


Unspoken

by hunters_retreat



Category: Supernatural
Genre: First Kiss, First Time, Incest, M/M, My First Work in This Fandom
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-07-04
Updated: 2008-07-04
Packaged: 2018-05-04 08:15:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,659
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5327075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hunters_retreat/pseuds/hunters_retreat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The boys come to terms with their past and their feelings.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Unspoken

 

“Dad let you go on a hunting trip by yourself?”

 

“I’m 26 dude …”

 

He looked away from his little brother and felt the realization hit like a punch in the gut.

 

4 years and it could have been yesterday for the strength the memory had over him. 4 years since Sammy had left him in the doorway. 4 years inside his own personal hell. He couldn’t blame his Dad and he couldn’t blame himself. Hell, he didn’t blame Sammy either, which really pissed him off because it meant that 4 years of sacrifice with no person to vent at, no real target to relieve the pain. 4 years without Sammy and it seemed his brother hadn’t missed him at all.

 

Oh, there were other signs if you looked; the way his eye searched Dean’s. The way he looked at his brother when he thought he was looking away. The way he seemed to want to say something and held off, just on the edge of speaking the truths neither of them had wanted to admit that night.

 

Sammy had always wanted to go to college. He’d always talked about it to Dean when their father wasn’t close enough to hear. It was a whispered dream, something they both knew he couldn’t have but would always want. Sammy would steal into his bed on the nights when he needed something to push away the demon of the day and he would whisper his secret dream of college and a safe life. Dean held him tighter those nights and would tell Sammy he could have anything he wanted. Someday, they’d find a way.

 

He’d never believed it, anymore than he’d believed Sammy would actually try to leave the family. He’d believed too much in the family hunt and the memory of a beloved mother. Only Sammy had never believed in the hunt and he’d never know their mother except through Dean’s stories which were hampered by a 4 years olds memory. The night Sammy had told their Dad he was going to college had been the worst night of Dean’s life. Not only was Sammy leaving, but he’d given him the hope all those years to dream of it. It was his own fault and he knew it.

 

That night after Dad had left the house, finished ranting at his youngest about his abandonment and Sammy had turned his back on the old man and his quest for vengeance, Sammy had crept into Dean’s room again. He’d pulled the covers tight and pulled in close to Dean, needed his reassurance. Dean didn’t think he had it in him, but somehow he’d managed to turn into him, and though Sammy was bigger, he seemed to fit perfectly in the circle of Dean’s arms, his head resting on Dean’s shoulder. Just as he always had.

 

“Is this going to be OK Dean?” He’d asked, his voice quiet and slightly trembling but there was no mistaking the strength of will behind it.

 

He’d taken a deep breath. “Anything you want Sammy, but how am I supposed to look after you?” He kissed his brother’s forehead, wondering for the hundredth time why it always felt so good to have him there. And for the hundredth time he didn’t listen to the answer because he knew he wasn’t supposed to be in love with his little brother but he had never had any control when it came to Sammy.

 

“Would you leave him Dean?”Sammy looked up at him then, his eyes searching Dean’s for the truth.

 

Dean didn’t know what to say, but he’d never let a thing like that stop him so he smiled softly. “I’d do anything for you Sammy.”

 

The moment he said it he saw something in Sammy’s eyes die a little. He didn’t understand why, but he’d known it was the wrong thing to say. He couldn’t unsay it though, anymore than he could change who he was. He’d do anything for his Dad. Unless it went against something Sammy said. It’d always been like that and always would be. No angel in heaven and no demon in hell could change that fact. Dean’s family was everything to him.

 

When he woke the next morning, Sammy was packing a second bag.Dean’s.He didn’t say anything when Dean looked at him and Dean didn’t ask.There was an unearthly quiet when they went down for breakfast and the brothers ate as quickly as they could to avoid the oppressive silence.When it was time to go, Sammy grabbed his bag, the taxi pulling into the driveway right on time.Dean started to stand and his Dad looked at him, putting a hand on Dean’s arm.

 

“We’ve got work to do Son.”

 

Dean looked at Sammy, his eyes pleading. Sammy wasn’t looking at him at all, but stared at his father. The two were locked together and Dean didn’t think he could breath, let alone move. Surely his father wouldn’t let Sammy walk out of there unprotected? Alone?

 

Whatever happened between them seemed to settle and Sammy turned his eyes to Dean, pain filled them and Dean knew. Sammy wouldn’t ask him to go and Dean would never walk away from his father’s order without it. He knew the pain in Sammy’s eyes the night before now and it filled him with a deep seeded hatred.

 

“Good-bye Dean.” Sammy said from the door. His searching eyes said the one thing his voice had never been able to say and Dean had no way to answer him now. Sammy waited for a moment, but the taxi honked and he turned away.

 

“Take care of yourself Sammy.” His brother paused in the doorway, then walked through without looking back.

 

 

 

The memory was pushed away, as it always was and stored for later hauntings. Dean would never be rid of the anger and hatred and each time Sammy said something about college or Jess or even their father, it felt like the memory was pulling a cord tighter around his throat. There were nights he was too angry to think and when they came, he’d leave whatever roach home they’d rented for the night and look for the nearest bar. Gambling wasn’t good in a mood like that, but a few beers, maybe a bar fight, and a little honey tucked around him for a few hours seemed to loosen the noose a little. Until he walked in and found Sammy in bed, pretending to sleep. He always ignored the lie and slept himself out the next day. Sammy never tried to wake him on those mornings.

 

Jess’s murder had done something to Sammy, something that kept him from reaching out like he used to.Dean hated it almost as much as he hated himself.There was no way to reach across the gap and heal them though so they continued on, doing the only thing they knew how to do and clinging to each other when the unguarded moments arrived and they were too tired or too scared to remember they needed space.

 

Time worked against him and he knew it. The more time passed, the harder it was to come back from these things. Sammy needed something to help him come back and Dean didn’t know what to do about it. God, he hated this. At least when Dad was around, he’d be able to get Sammy mad enough to yell about it. With only Dean, Sammy was content to let it remain unfinished.

 

At least, until Rockford, Illinois. Four days of driving and staying in shitty motels had Dean’s nerves on edge. He knew Sammy had ever right to hate him for what he was, but he’d never believed Sammy _could_ hate him that much. The hardest thing he’d ever done was to hand the gun to Sammy, knowing in his gut that if the thing was loaded, he’d die, hoping he was wrong.

 

“We need to talk.”He couldn’t believe he’d said it and he didn’t think Sammy could either from the way he looked at him.

 

“I thought you didn’t want to talk about it?”Sammy looked away from the road as he drove.Dean had been too tired to go on that morning and had simply handed his brother the keys.Sammy hadn’t bothered to ask, just took them and hopped in the car, leading them away from the mess they’d just left behind.

 

Or trying to. Nothing was said between them until Sammy pulled the car off the road at the first motel they came across. Luck seemed to be on their side because it looked like a nicer place than their norm. Dean just sat back as Sammy went in and made the arrangements with the front desk, coming back with two keys, a couple bags of chips, and some soda from the machine.

 

They parked in back making sure the car was hidden as well as it could be then went into the room. Sammy began shifting things around like he always did, then retreated to the solace of his computer while Dean went for the bathroom and a quick shower. Old habits died hard and neither was really interested in speeding up this conversation, no matter that it had already begun.

 

Sammy slipped into the shower after him and Dean checked his email on Sammy’s laptop. Sammy still thought it funny that Dean even had email, but just because he’d never gone to college didn’t mean he couldn’t keep up with technology. He might not be as quick about things as Sammy, but Dean knew how to research a job just as well. He was no stranger to internet searches and long hours at the library, no matter what Sammy thought.

 

He looked up as steam filled the room, Sammy coming out of the bathroom in a towel. He shook his head and wondered briefly if his love of cold showers was inspired by a true like, a need to calm himself down after close proximity to the man that could make him hard with just a look in his eye, or if it was simply that Sammy had always liked hot showers and Dean had never wanted Sammy to be without. He’d probably never know. His money was on the latter, though it could be the middle as well. Both? Sammy’s love of hot showers probably started about the same time as Dean’s unwanted lust.

 

“Get dressed. We need to talk.” It was easier to say that than to think about Sammy in his towel and his feelings about that. One moral crisis before tackling the next. Or better yet, leave the other outside and bury it for a few more years.

 

“No.”

 

“What?” Dean looked up at Sammy in surprise.It wasn’t that Sammy didn’t question Dean ever, but he hadn’t expected the vehemence in his voice.

 

“No, I’m not getting dressed to make you feel more at ease.”

 

It was the last thing Dean wanted to hear. Damn it, but couldn’t Sammy tell he was trying really hard to talk? How the hell was he going to get more than a few stammered words with Sammy looking like that?

 

“So it really was you.” He managed to say, looking away from his brother. He looked down into his hands, but it was too easy to say what he needed to say that way. This was going to hurt them both, and by god if he put the pain in Sammy’s eyes again, he’d best be man enough to look at it. “You really do hate me.”

 

Sammy’s eyes softened a bit, but the set of his shoulders remained the same. “I don’t hate you Dean. I …” He was floundering for a word and Dean supplied it for him.

 

“Hate. Despise. Want to fry to a crisp. Want to … oh what the hell. Let’s just get it out there. You just want to kill me. Shoot me in the head.”

 

“No, Dean, it’s not like that.”

 

“Then what is it Sammy?”

 

“Don’t call me Sammy!”

 

“Whatever you say, Sammy.”

 

Sammy was moving across the room and the anger in his steps made Dean more aware than ever of the extra height his brother had on him.He might have been a bit rusty when Dean came for him, but he’d made up for that since then.Dean was still the better hunter, but that was an overall skill.He wasn’t sure if Sammy tried to take him on who would walk out ahead.Nevermind his need to protect Sammy and the thought in the back of his head that told him he’d let Sammy pummel him to a pulp because he deserved it.

 

Dean took a step back and Sammy was on top of him, pushing him against the wall. “Why couldn’t you do it Dean?” He asked. He had no idea what Sammy was talking about then, but Sammy went on. “You think I hate you because you hate yourself, but all you had to do was get up Dean. All you had to do was walk out. You had me. That was all I ever thought we needed.”

 

Sammy was off him then, angry and pacing, but no longer menacing. He hadn’t wanted to talk about this. Since it had happened, he hadn’t wanted to talk about it but now Sammy was saying it and the truth was that he was right. He hated himself because he hadn’t been able to walk out and he thought Sammy did too.

 

“Sammy … I …” his voice broke and he hated the pain it revealed, hated the depth of emotion that he tried to deny to everyone. “You didn’t ask. Why didn’t you ask?”

 

“You were supposed to come on your own Dean. You were supposed to want to be with me enough to fight.” He swallowed hard as he sat on the bed, looking at Dean with a self hatred that Dean knew all to well from the mirror. “When you came for me, I hoped …” He shook his head and looked down. “but you just wanted to look for Dad.”

 

Dean had his arms around Sammy before he realized he was in motion, his hands trying to sooth but his brother wanted nothing of it. Dean was suddenly flipped around and on his back on the bed, Sammy pinning him there. “You were supposed to come for me.” His voice was angry again and full of something Dean didn’t want to recognize. God, he didn’t want to hear the heat in his words. “You were supposed to want me.”

 

He gasped, unable to hide from it then.The words that had always remained unspoken, the desires that had always remained hidden, the truth laid bare by the tone of his words, the desire in his voice, and the heat in his eyes.

 

“Sammy … you’re my brother.”

 

“No … really?”

 

“we can’t … you know what … we …” He realized he was defeated before this conversation had ever started. It was why they had never touched it before. Sam had wanted normal and safe and Dean had been willing to carve his own heart out to give it to him. “You know I do Sammy.”

 

“Tell me Dean.” Hands that had been pinning him before were moving over skin now. His face held a breath away from Dean’s. “Tell me everything I want to hear Dean.” His lips brushed Dean’s and he couldn’t help the moan that escaped his lips anymore than he could stop the hardening of his cock.

 

“I want you Sammy. I’ve always wanted you. Nothing else ever mattered to me. I’d follow you anywhere you want me to be.” It wasn’t enough and he could see Sammy waiting for the last thing. “I love you Sammy.”

 

A sad smile came to Sammy’s face. He kissed Dean softly, tasting his brother for the first time. “I love you too Dean. I always have.”

 

 


End file.
